Talking about question 1 with kids

The referendum passed, how do I protect my kids?

The whole world was watching, or at least that is what it seemed like today as folks went to the polls to either uphold or repeal non-gender specific marriage in Maine. But there is one group that we might forget is watching, and watching US closely – the kids with same-sex parents.

In October I had the privilege of sitting in on a same-sex parent group that was convened to talk about parenting during and after the referendum campaign. Eventually the conversation turned to the question: What if the law IS repealed.

So, now that the ballots are cast and tallied, and the marriage equality law has passed I wanted to share a couple of things I learned from the group:

1. As grown ups, we know that the grief of any moment will eventually be replaced by determination, and resolve to carry on. Our kids aren't able to see the long sweep of time. They won’t see that this election is one in a series of steps that lead to this moment, and there will be other steps to come. They will only know that it is something that they have become invested in, that you have been working on and hoping for. And NOW WHAT?

Talk to them about how far things have come since you were their age. Talk to them about how change is important whenever it arrives, and one defeat is not the end of change.

2. This whole debate is about family: what is a family, what isn’t, who gets to say, it’s pretty complex and goes to the root of who we are and how we live. As adults we know that if the law is repealed nothing in anyone's day-to-day lives has changed. You ARE still a family. You know that no one can, or will, change that. Kids may not realize that, or may be frightened about what will happen now that the referendum has passed. They may wonder if they can stay with you, or if they will have to pick one of you to live with.

Talk with them about the fact that no matter what, you will always be a family. Tell them that they are safe and loved. Momma & Mommy or Daddy & Dad are going to be there for them just like always. Their family is strong and safe, and they are loved as much today as they were yesterday.

3. You know that no matter what the emotional toll this whole experience may take, you will be alright. You have lived through so much just to get to today, but, your kids are watching how much you have invested in this. They know how much this means to you. Some of them, especially older kids, may be worried for you. They may be worried about how you will handle it. They may be afraid for you, or unsure if they can talk about weddings or things you may have imagined happening if the law had been preserved.

Remind them that you will be okay, sad for a time, disappointed and angry, sure, but eventually, you'll be fine. It can be a chance to talk about the complexity of human emotion and the many things we will feel no matter the outcome of important events in our lives.

Finally remember to create space where you can listen. They may not know how or when to talk to you right now, the emotions are raw all around. If you have young kids - elementary school age - try to create opportunities to play. Get down on the floor and color, or paly a board game, or build something. For parents of teens, ask them to play cards, or help with something around the house. Don't force them, but seek opportunitites where you can give them the space to open up. Find an excuse to take an extra long drive!

Obviouly, this is a very simple post about a very complicated and immediate subject. I hope it can help you think about some of the things that may be racing in your kids minds. It can be hard to remember how different the world looks when you are a kid. It can be confusing when a child looks into the workings of the adult world and trys to see how he or she fits. When we send them the message that they are heard, seen and loved, we create the emotional safety that will help them get through lifes daily challenges and become the strong, capable and loving adults that we hope the will be.

STRONG Fathers supports all men in their efforts to be strong, skillful active parents to the children in their lives. Reactions: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it